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Words cant describe @ 11:11 a.m. on 2002-06-24
Im so mixed with emotions right now. But im good, dont worry about me:) Everyday, i reliese how WEIRD life really is, and its just making me stronger:) So anyways, i guess some of you are wondering what was up with that last entry. I mean a)what exactly did happen saturday night and b)What is happening now. I guess this entry will explain things more clearly. But first lets start with friday (man, i cant even remember that far!) Friday night, ah its all coming back to me now! I went over to lindsays house for about an hour and half. It was a monopoly night, and it was me,lindsay,tim,robin and lisa. I was sooo tired, and so out of it. I just sorta sat there and dazed out of it. I left at 11:30 and picked up my sister. Saturday- Well i had to wake up early at 7:30. I had my first day at work, well it was more of an orination thing. There was about 40 other new seasonaly employees there too, everyone ranging from working in the gift shop,sercurity,animal care, animal research, etc. It was too bad, considering it was 6 hours long. We acually got to go on a tour of the zoo on the zoo-mobile, and got to go behind the scenes! I came home, and some stuff got messed up with "getting alcohol plans" and it wont have REALLY mattered if i was just getting stuff for me, but i promised matt i would get him stuff, and he already gave me money and stuff. However EVERYTHING worked out prefectly! I picked up karen around 8ish, and we went to the store, and then came back to my house. Me, karen, and my sister left for alex's around 9, and MAN it was soo convenient because his house is just down the street. That doesnt happen to often! When we got there it was only alex, matt and jason. HAHA alex and matt started calling EVERYONE they knew because they were afraid that these were gonna be the only people. However around 17 people showed up during the night, so it wasnt tooo bad! We chilled in the backyard, listened to music, and socialized. We played this REALLY COOL drinking game called "killer kings" MAN it is soo much fun! I had 4 smirnoff ice, and i gave one to my sister. I had drank 2 of them before playing the game, and i finished off the other one, and matt gave me a beer during the game. Ya i got pretty fucked. okay, so me and matt had this bet going on. Im not going to go into great details about it, but it was we were gonna fight, and the first person to say "i give up" loses. So anyways me and matt went to the side of the house, and we were talking and stuff, and we started to play fight. Well he grabed my wrists and TWISTED them around HARD. There was NO way in hell i was going to say i give up, so i was pretty much just screaming and yelling "fuckkk"..I guess he didnt think he was hurting me *he told me this after* and that if i was REALLY in pain i would have said "i give up". SO anyways he REALLY hurt me, i stormed away, and was upset, and i guess i looked really sad because everyone was asking what was wrong. People got pissed off at Matt and i felt bad cause i knew he didnt mean it. I was just in alot of pain. Matt started to walk away and told everyone he was going to walk home. Matt told me later that alex went up to him and he told him that i looked really sad, and that if matt ever made me sad he would cut his throat. SO anyways, Matt came up and told me he was really sorry, and i totally forgave him. For the next bit we just sat and hugged and cuddled at the side of the house, and talked. It was then that he pretty much established there would be no relationship. I totally understand where he is coming from, and in a way i KNEW there wouldnt be one. I mean i was hoping for one, but i KNEW it wouldnt have worked. It would just be DOOMED from the beginning because of the fact im leaving in september. He isnt good in relationships, and told me later that he always ends up breaking up with the person and never talks to them again, and he didnt want to do that with me cause he said i was too great, and he didnt want to hurt me. I can totally accept that, and im glad, because i totally want to be friends with him for a while, and not go into a relationship i knew would end SOON.As i said before i totally can accept everything, but the thing that is just bothering me, is the fact that i have this thing at the back of my mind that is saying "what if this is all an excuse". Ive had TOO many people lie to me in my life, and i want to believe SO much, that he TRULY means what he is saying, and not just feeding me BULLSHIT. SO anyways, i dont know how this came up, but we agreed i would sleep over. The plan was, i would stay over, and leave at 5am before my parents got up. Tarah being the GREAT sister she is, helped pull this off. Tarah you dont know HOW MUCH i owe you! So around 1am, Alex kicked everyone out. Slepping over was me,matt, and mikey. Me and matt slept in the computer room together on the bed thingy in there. This was probably the best time of the night. I remember we kept looking up at the clock, and i remember when i first did, i saw i had 4 hours with him, and i thought that was SOO much time, but in reality it went by in like 25 minutes. I cant describe how great it felt just being there..just having him to cuddle with, and kiss, and just be comfy. Sorry im just sitting here, thinking of how to describe this part of the night, but i cant. I cant think of the right words, i cant possible think of ways to describe everything. I mean people would think, oh, they were in the same bed for 4 hours together, they must have been having sex, or just fooling around. But it was NOTHING like that..I mean me and matt were talking about it yesterday, and some of the things he said about it, were exactly how i felt. It was like ive never had "that" with anyone eles, and even though i have been in similar situations with other people, with other people i felt "used" and for a lack of a better word "dirty" afterwards. This time it was different. Matt said it best-"i remember i was so sad about u havin to go and i didnt want to fall asleep because i think i knew once u left ...tht mite be the end of it...
i dont think i could have had that kind of time with anyone else .... ill remember tht ( or wut i can of it lol) for a while" Even though we were both DEAD tired, i didnt want to fall asleep. How could i. The thing i remember most was the last 10 minutes before i left. It was just like he grabed me, and just cuddling and kissing. I didnt want to leave..and what sucks was that last kiss. Im just so afraid it was the last one. Oh god, sorry everyone...i feel so god damn SAPPY writing all that. I guess i never felt like that with anyone in a WHILE... So i got up, and left at 5:30. Man walking home was the worst. I was DEAD tired, and i had that feeling in the back of my mind, of, oh shit what if i get caught. I mean i HONESTLY have never snuck into my house before, and i HATE lying to my parents. Then again, i was thinking if i DID get caught, it would have TOTALLY been worth it. So i passed out in my bed, and had the WORST 2 hours of sleep ever. I had to wake up in the moring at 7:30 to go to work. I woke up, and i felt so UNBELIEVABLY shity, i thought i was run over by a truck. I went to the second day of orinantaion, and it was SOOO boring, i literally slept with my eyes open. I was a zombie. Sorry this entry is long...I got good sleep last night. I went to sleep at 9pm *haha* and woke up around 10ish. It was all good. ok..well bye
 Tawnya
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