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This is my brain @ 11:58 a.m. on 2002-06-25
Time for a new entry. I really have nothing great to say. All i know is i wish i could shut off my mind, and would stop thinking about EVERYTHING. No one understands the insanity that i put on myself. I really think i will go insane from thinking so much, wait, im already am insane. I just want to enjoy this summer. I do more then anything. Then i remember i have to work 5 times a week, 8 hours a day. I remember that.....i dont know what i remember. I told Matt to buy my a new brain. Anyone eles want help get me one, go right ahead. I feel as if everyone is out to get me or something.ahhh i dont know what i feel. Thats the problem my feelings change every TWO SECONDS. Me and doug had a LONGGGG talk yesterday. Over 2 hours thats for sure. Dougs having a hardtime right now, and really its none of your buisness now. Its weird, cause i was talking to him about stuff, and he totally understands how i feel about things, but at the same time i feel as if NOONE can ever TRULY understand. They havent lived my life, and even though i come across as very happy and carefree.i guess thats a way because i dont want people to worry about me, and get sucked into my problems, even though that has happened a few times. I think thats another problem. I dont like telling people how i REALLY feel, or my problems. I feel as if noone really cares, and that im stupid to feel the way i do. I was thinking yesterday and telling doug how i quit trying with boys now. I mean im looking forward to University soo much, but at the same time im like, FUCK, all guys want to do is see how many girls they can fuck. Ok, NOT ALL guys, but the majority. Doug was saying, well than tawnya, do the same thing, and just have fun macking boys. The thing is, i get EMOTIONALLY attached. I may not even KNOW the person, and i start to think, "hey maybe a realtionship will start"...I sometimes wish i was one of those girls that can just fool around with guys and not give a shit....but than again, do i REALLY want to be like that?! no. Than on the opposite side of this, i dont want a relationship, because at this age, i feel that it will just end up in hurt. See, i wish i DIDNT think about ALL this stuff, and i could just live my life, not worry, and have fun. Yes i AM having a blast, but when you worry CONSTANTLY it really gets to you. To make matters worse i think there is something seriously wrong with my stomach. If you know me, i like to eat, i love eating fast food. However for the past week and more, i cant eat. Especially not fast food, i literally start gagging after a few bites. No, its nothing where im TRYING not to eat or think im fat...I want to be fatter more than anything. My mom thinks its because i dont eat health. I really dont know, and i dont like it. I mean my mom made me my FAVORITE food for dinner, and i could only eat 20 bites, before my stomach felt sick, and i thought i was going to throw up. I sorta understood why i was like that last week, because when i get nervous i cant eat *ie-exams*...but EXAMS are over, summer is here. what is wrong with me..... Maybe i should see a doctor. added-1:32-wow...I think it felt ENTIRELY better to TALK TO someone about everything, and help me figure out what i was thinking. I mean i already talked to doug and my mom about whats going on, but i didnt want to bother doug with my problems, so i only briefly metioned it, and my mom is ALWAYS worried about me, so i didnt want to worry her some more. I just want to say thanks to Austin. He helped me reliese something, that it isnt really me, its just the WHOLE situation. I totally feel sooo much better, because im not constantly thinking of WHAT HAPPENED, cause i finally reliesed WHAT IT WAS. I think i should talk with people more when i overthink, because i really do drive myself insane, because it ALL builds up. So thank you again!:) angie put it best on her away message "guys are the biggest fucks :) " AMEN SISTA! HAHAHA...im going to listen to the punk CD karen made me, and dance like a MANIAC!
PS-SOMEONE has been reading like ALL of my entries the past week. Ive noticed on my sitemeter that someone who has AOL.COM has been coming here like twice a day and reading like 30 entries....I WANT TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE! i mean there must be SOME reason for you trying to read over 500 entries! SEND ME AN EMAIL and TELL ME WHO YOU ARE!!!!!!!
 Tawnya
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