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My feelings at the moment @ 1:05 a.m. on 2002-07-13
as i said in my last journal...I CANT CHANGE THE WAY I FEEL. And at this moment, LIKE it or not, this is how i feel. I honestly feel like crap. I think i lied to myself...i think i tryed to push matt to the back of my head, and just think that i didnt like him anymore in "that way"...well today i reliesed that i was wrong. That i pushed it into the back of my mind cause i didnt want to get hurt, and that feeling that he doesnt feel the same way. On the drive home tonight i had a good talk with tarah. Or than again it was more of tarah yelling at me, telling me she cant change anything, and that i have to come out and TELL everyone how i feel. I have to stop saying "nothing is wrong"..because honestly there is. Tarah was saying there is only a month and a half of summer, and that i cant be like "this" for the rest of the summer. Honest to god i DONT wanna be like this. "Tawnya, you cant HELP the fact that you feel jealous"...and honestly i do...I cant help the fact that seeing lisa and matt flirt throughout the night, really made me feel "blahy"...I honestly just wanted to talk matt to the side and tell him EVERYTHING i felt at the moment. Than again he might just read how i felt tonight right here. I try to distance myself from him, because sometimes i get my hopes up to high, and i just remember that im gonna get hurt. Why do i have to be a stupid girl. I wish i could change the way i feel, i really do...I look at Alex and Robin and think "why cant i have that"...I know im acting really stupid, and will feel like a totally idoit when i re-read this in the morning. It just hurts to want something so bad, and not being able to have it. alot.
 Tawnya
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