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yes another one of tawnys fucked up entrys @ 11:21 p.m. on 2001-08-28
you know what. fuck everything. im not gonna even try nemore. what day is it??almost wednesday..ya well im happy here and was looking forward to coming home to see people this weekend....but now that i think about it. that means fucking school is gonna start... and blah... BLAH is the fucking mood im in... i feel like crying for the STUPIDEST reasons... and im not gonna tell neone why im upset cause im gonna get the same old...so u know what. i dont even know..i just rolled my eyes at myself...gaaa why do i have things soo perfectly set up in my mind..and then it just all gets messed up..... life sucks everyone:) yup..i dont care how perfect things seem at a moment no matter who u are...somehow it goes away.. id really like the meet the person who has a perfect life..and AHHHH kill them...cause life is unfair..and i have no clue why im even saying this..cause AGAIN it is STUPID TAWNYA coming to GODDAMN conclusions......and making myself look like a fucking idoit.... why do i feel as if my whole life is a fucking lie???? why..i mean i know there are people whom wont lie to me about big things...like if they are truely my friend..and i can tell...but still fuck...why do i feel like EVERYONE IS LIEING TO ME...but then again not everyone... maybe ill just lock myself in the house my whole life..that way i wont have to be lied to and get my hopes up about a person... AHHHH im saying all this right now and i KNOW FOR A FUCKING FACT that tommrow ill come on here and say how BETTER I AM and how i OVER REACTED..I KNOW THAT NOW..soo why am i writing here???? i think this is a place to get out my anger by blabbing... i have to STOP THINKING..thats the problem with being here right now..cause all i CAN do is have fun with my family but in the mean time in my head all im thinking about is the things that i left at home *ie the people*...and its like SOO MANY things can happen is 10 days....and all i have is what i LEFT WITH..soo how do i know things wont CHANGE once i get back...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.. i wish i could create my perfect life. i have it in my head... sorry..sorry for having u guys to be put up with this shit..and THANXS to the people who are truly my friends and wont lie to me.. THIS SOUNDS LIKE I just was lied to..I WASNT...soo why am i talking about being lied to??? then again i feel like i was....or maybe that is that stupid tawnya reflects coming in... i honestly could blab alll day on here.... it just seems like things come soo much easier for other people....and not me. but then again they do..and what i want i get, but NOT IN THE SITUATION i want it too.... im happy with my life. however i just found little happy moments in my life that i feed on til another good moment comes...and if it takes to long i get all fucking weird ass and blame everything on myself...that is WHAT IM DOING..im being an idoit and think of every possible thing and always thing people are thinking negitiaivy about me and never really get the chance to find out. as i said before i COME TO CONCLUSIONS way before i get any real ideas....one little thing just throws me off..i want things to work out perfectly as i plan them...but they wont......but i guess ill just have to stop and take things as it goes.....geez.......... life is a big dream...it is..........but not a perfect dream...a fucked up dream that u can control but at the same time CANT...
i just read over what i wrote..i mean i dont want neone to like ask whats wrong..cause honestly NOTHING REALLY IS..i mean im happy with everything, its just i really dont know. like im not trying to put this up here for everyone to be like "ohh poor tawnya..lalallaa" and i can see how some people would be asking themselves WHY THE FUCK is see complaining...she doesnt have any problems..i will admit that i dont have many problems...i mean i just FUCKING hate it when people make me feel less by telling me I WOOULDNT understand their problems..i mean i honest to god probably dont....but still i mean just because of that that doesnt mean u can PUT me down when i feel upset by telling me that i dont HAVE ANY PROBLEMS..because everyone has there problems to there own extent. and yes LIFE ISNT FUCKING FAIR...but i didnt make it THIS WAY DID I...i mean geez HERE I GO AGAIN.. and im not aiming this AT ANYONE..i mean no one has done this to me recently..i just feel like an idoit going on about stupid stuff in my mind..cause honeslty this is the place i get out things..and it MAKES ME FEEL BETTER even thou im not upset...AHH WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT..once i get typing i never stop do i??? i wish i could a different mind..a mind that doesnt think about EVERY POSSIBLE thing....
i think soo much that it makes me sad...i mean i could thing about the GREATEST moments in my life. but then i think about it over and over and over and over..til i just found the littles things and make it CRAPPY...ju know what fucking writeing this shit is making me confused..cause i HONESLT HAVE NOO IDEA WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT.....and i know some people might think they know what im talking about..BUT IT ISNT WHAT U THINK..its like a build up of everything.....EVERYTHING....and its just like..fuck everything....
its like a reality HEY TAWNYA everyone doesnt think like u..soo WAKE UP and stop pretending u know what everyone thinks.........i gotta stop............i gotta stop worrying,being shy around people,overreaacting, being stupid, not concentrating on the important things in my life right now, and just i dont know..
ok......sorry for wasting all ur time...see just writing this makes me happy:) but i am happy....just AHHHHHHHHH everything bulids up inside....and its hard being away from everything............cause i cant do anything about it......
update-1239am...what talking to ur freinds can do....im soooo much not concerned nemore...i KNOW ther are people who care and i shouldnt waste my time on little things right????? talking to karen, lindsay, andrew,and jolla made things better:) just made me reliese i miss my friends are home and people care:) LOVE YA;)
 Tawnya
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