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thinking tawnya yet again @ 7:40 p.m. on 2002-02-06
what does tawnya want? a question ive asked myself TOOO many times, and u have probably read about me questioning this. i mean i am happy. life is good now *probably better if school was isn't the way* but really school isnt that bad. i mean the school day goes soo quick this semester because im only there for 4 hrs. but besides that i mean im happy...but how can i be so happy and have everything i want, and still be sad. not really sad, but worried. I feel as if im messing up everything. i feel as if im being too causious about everything. i remember telling adam how i can be very defensive at time, and i am. EXPECIALLY with guys. i mean i guess you can say i havent had the BEST luck with guys, i mean they all turn out to be assholes. Ive had 3 guys LIE to me about having g/f, cause they wanted to get with me...HOW CAN I TRUST anyone after this. the whole thing with andrew really messed me up. i mean ive been lied to so much by guys before i thought i could tell the "good guys" from the "bad guys"...and i HONEST to god thought andrew wasnt like that AT ALL. i mean you should have read some of the stuff i wrote about him in my "private" diary. he was different from every guy, and I WAS WRONG....how could i be wrong...how could the one guy i acually didnt believe was going to fuck me over, DID. i feel as if i'm messing everything up with adam. i like him, i really do. but there is that part of me that puts up a sheild, a sheild that doesnt want me like him toooo much, and then end up getting fucked over like everyother guy has done with me. i dont wanna be like this, i REALLY dont. why cant i go out with a guy easily? i think over and over and over....and then the opporuintity pass's me by, and i regret it. i mean adam could TOTALLy just be using me, but i guess i should just have fun, and not think he is...I DUNNo..i wrote last nite in my other diary "he is an 18 year old MALE..." HAHAHa...18 being the high sex point for guys....so i guess i cant get away from it! hehehe.... neways maybe i should stop over analizing things...and just do what i feel at the moment, and NOT really worry about what might happen. shit is gonna happen, and i guess it will only make me stronger:P
 Tawnya
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