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guy=confusing subject for tawns @ 1:28 a.m. on 2001-08-04
he can say he knows me ALL he wants...but he has NO IDEA. neways ya. so i didnt go to the party tonite.i mean he SAID he was going to call..but if someone is being that mean to u, would u call back. i mean last nite he was telling me how he was gonna drive me to whitby and how his friend would drive me home. but the weird thing is that later on i said "i cant wait til tommrow...cause it is fun day". "fun day? how?" he asked. "cause im gonna chill with MY FRIENDS". ummm did i give him the impression that i DIDNT want to go. i mean fuck. doug totally understands how i think about him cause dougs KNOWS him. i mean i feel like he trys to HARD. maybe he isnt but i get that impression. i feel as if he TELLS me what i want to hear, but im not like every other girl i dont need guys to SELL themselves to me. i dont need him telling me how great i am EVERY TWO SECONDS. i even told his last nite how NO guy will EVER control me. i mean i dont NEED a guy to feel good about myself. i mean OF cource guys liking me HAS somewhat BOOSTED my self confidence, but i would say im a pretty postive person to myself. HELL OF COURCE i have my MOMENTS everyone DOES. but maybe andrew thinks that i want a REALLy nice guy who doesnt ever talk about sex. yes. but at the same time its like he TRYS TO be mister holy around me. OK he is a guy i KNOW what is on his mind, but he TRYS to denie it meanwhile his away messages are "dreaming of cheap hookers.." and its like i feel as if if he makes like ANY COMMENTS ABOUT LIKE "sexually things"..ie a little thing like making out he has to be like defencive and say "oh im not like that...."...like I REALLy dont care. geez..i have soo much on my mind and like no writing talents to write about it. ok. like it seems like im totally BASHING him here. i mean he is a GREAT guy, but not the GREAT guy for me?! u know. so ya. he never called me today *but then again he left me a message saying to call him*...so i gave karen a call and she called me back at 9ish and dave came and picked up me and bill and we went to karens house. HONESTLY i was glad i was there then at some party with people i really dont care for and for them to pretend that they are SUDDENLY my friend because andrew likes me. i mean that is soo phonney. even at doodys party a while back it seemed soo i dont know. just with the girls u know. OH man sorry i just REALLy dont get along with girls. and it was like i could tell that they were only like saying hi and "are u okay" because andrew liked me. as if they would every say hi to me again. yes its not there FAULT. im the same way to. IT takes two right? i mean i would never really start talking to them again. im a shy person that way. i think i just bashed MYSELF in this entry. but u know what. who cares. i love my friends and i want SOMEONE that i get that "tingle" for *ohh karen u know what im talking about*..and i honestly think the last person to give me that TINGLE was matt. i want to GET all excited about "him" liking me. i dont want it to be a CHORE to talk to him. i just want someone that will fit in with my friends cause i dunno. oh man i could go on about how me WANTING to be with my friends ruined me and matts relationship. but i dont wanna bore ya. my mom said that i havent found the guy for me yet. i mean IM picky as hell, and im not just gonna SETTLE cause a guy likes me and i think i MIGHT like him. i want to LIKE LIKE him and get that FEELING in my stomach and just thinking of him MAKES ME SMILE. matt was the only one to do that to me.and that didnt work out. so where is my prince charming. where is that guy i wouldnt HAVE to be mean to cause he likes me so much *fuck im mean:(*. where is that guy that i can just invite alone with my friends and i know they LIKE hanging out with him ad not just pretend to cause he is my b/f. where is the guy that all i can think of is him and how great he is and not treat me like a piece of meat. i dont think he is in pickering. or yet again, maybe he is i just havent given them a chance. fuck. i mean i LIKE being single. it keeps options open and i havent found the GUY that would make not care if another guy liked me..cause i LIKE him. doug was right. i mustnt liked weither guy cause why would i jump back and forth. if i TRUELY liked one of them then the OTHER would have not mattered. then again my mom said all a relationship does is cause some kind of hurt in the end. its not like im gonna FIND THE GUY i marry. but i think of it as the EXPERIENCE is good. the memorys are good. u found out what u TRUELY like in a guy. so where does this put me now? single and loving it i guess? or am i? hmmm.
 Tawnya
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