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one stupid thing. @ 10:24 p.m. on 2002-04-21
tawnya=sad. for no reason at all. im so stupid. i wish i could trade minds with someone *preferaly a boy*. i hate being so girly. WAIT that doesnt make any sense, because i am a girl, im suppost to be girly. i talked to my cousin cait tonite for like the first time in months. we are both the same age, and id say she is my closest cousin. She is finished her first year of Univeristy *she lived in the states, thats why she is in univeristy and not in STUPID ASS ONTARIO OAC*. NEWAYS she had a boyfriend when she went to univeristy, and i was imformed that they broke up in november. She told me *mahoney to mahoney* that i SHOULD NOT have a boyfriend going into univerity. It is weird cause i was already planning that, one of the stupid reasons i have had recently for not wanting a boyfriend. As you all have read my mind of having a bf has changed in the last few weeks, and i want one more than ever. But then tawnya starts thinking. DOES SHE REALLY WANT A BOYFRIEND just for having a boyfriend. NO. i never said i did. In the back of my mind however i knew i would never find a guy i would WANT as a boyfriend in the next few months, so the thought of having a b/f was all just make-believe, cause in reality..AHHH im confusing myself. SEE this is EXACTLY what goes through my head, CONFUSION. i cant explain to YOU what i need/want...let alone EXPLAIN TO myself! i just want to be left alone. i hate people asking me questions. i hate when i feel like people are giving me sympothy. i hate being home on a sunday and not being able to do ANYTHING because im being too hard on myself, and waiting. making up excuses for why things have happened in my life. you know what. i dont know. i dont know why i am so hard on myself, and have a need to want to think so much. i wanted to lie in my bed all day and think. i guess it isnt such a bad thing, more of a WASTE OF A DAY. then one STUPID thing bothers me, which in effect makes me waste the day thinking about it, which makes me fall behind in school, which ends up making me stressed . ITS ONE BIG CYCLE. im happy with how things are turning out. But then one little thing bothers me, and it brings down everything. I go around the house moping, and being a bum. i need sleep.
 Tawnya
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