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ticket to nowhere @ 2:47 a.m. on 2001-08-10
u know what. why do people pick the WRONG day to mess with me. i mean today was a pretty BAD day involving the SHIT that was going on in my mind..and NO im not gonna get into it... acuall it was a bad day. my great uncle wally died this morning. i only really met him once a few years ago and didnt really know him but from what i met he was a great guy. he is my grandmas brother. the weird thing is is that my grandparents just went down to new jersey a few days ago and visited him yesterday. he was sick, but not that sick that they thought he would die. everyone is flying down to jersey this weekend. my dad is going, but me and everyone eles are staying here. so ya that just added to the day. plus TOO MUCH FUCKING SHit is going on in my mind RIGHT now..too much that u guys will think im a fucking loser. wait..a fucking weirdo. i mean i sat by the fucking phone waiting for people to call me back and i wrote a "I WISH" list on paper.....i felt like crying for NO REASON...i drew all these sad faces..i mean im not sad, but i dunno right now is a bad time for me. my friends came over tonite...they acually just left like 15 minutes ago. im not mad at neone...nor am i upset at nething. but people just pick the wrong fucking time to mess with my head. like ANY OTHER DAY BUT today...but still..i really dont care...all in jokes. i was acually laughing, but now i just went back to the blah tawnya. things never work out my way. and when they DO its not the situation i want. i look at other people and wished i had their lives but at the same time i DONT know what their life has been like. so i cant say they have it better than me. but still. u know what? i wanna go on vacition. i hate this place. i hate knowing the SAME PEOPLE. i hate how fucking small this stupid city is and HOW THERE IS NOTHING TO FUCKING DO......i want to take my CLOSE friends and just leave this place. ya that is what im gonna do...buy a ONEWAY ticket to ANYWHERE but here. see u guys...never.
oh ya..ps-i know u could ALLL suggest me TALKING TO SOMEONE..but u know what......i talk to myself in my brain and try to figure out what is wrong with me...but ya...and if i EVER told neone what is TRUELY the matter with "things" in my life that wouldnt help me at all..cause that doesnt change the facts. and yes u can think ALL u want about why im this way..but ur wrong...cause a)i know UR ALL thinking it has to do with guys..yes that is maybe about 49 percent of it...but the rest will never change.why does the truth hurt soo DAMN much.
noone thinks i hurt sometimes cause im a relitivly POSTIVE person on the outside and i do let out alotof what is going on in my mind.....but NOONE can TRULY understand my life..or what is going on in my head.
i dont care if ive known u for 18years. people just dont know.maybe i should start to change my atiitude on the inside and not be SOO picky nemore..WITH NETHING from guys-foods. i wish i could be one of those OUTGOING, letloose, noncaring persons...
i mean i am very NON caring with ALOT of things. but i wish i could sorta SPEAK my mind more. u know.
ok...ENOUGH of tawnya BLABERING for one nite..
tommrow is a new day. hopefully not as long and mindcrazze as today.
RIP-uncle wally
 Tawnya
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