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Not knowing @ 12:53 a.m. on 2002-06-29
>entry from earlier today! How much does it freaking SUCK to have something you want so bad, only to know that you CANT HAVE IT. If you ask me, IT FUCKING SUCKS ASS. So, lets recap the night. After i wrote the last entry, i ate some food, got the car and headed over to karen. There was karen,eric, and bill. Shortly after i got there i got a call from Matt *yes this shocked me alot*..He asked if i wanted to hang out, but since i was at karens, i told him to give me a call later. So dave showed up at karens later, and we watched Detroit Rock City *ive seen this movie a thousand times, but it is great!*. Around 11 i went home, because i was feeling a bit tired. I then got a call from Matt, and he invited me over to Navins, so i said "what the fuck, ill go". i mean its just a 2 min walk down the street. Ya this is where being there it was like holding candy in front on me, KNOWING i couldnt have any. I mean we sat on the same couch, and we were sitting so that we were sorta facing each other, with our legs beside each other. It was weird, cause his feet kept getting closer and closer to mine, so that pretty soon we were just play footsies..We would just stare at each other, and i put on this sad face. YOU DONT UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I WANTED TO JUMP him...Its like freaking tourture here. So ya, it was me, matt,navin,brad, and jason. They are alll reallly cool, and i feel comfortable around them. Navin said as i was leaving that if there was a party tommrow i should give alex, or matt a call. I just hate imposing on things, and i would only REALLY go, if someone REALLY wanted me to be there. I mean if matt has plans to make out with some girl, than i really dont think he would want me there. Im sorry, im sorta bitter right now. NOTHING AT ALL to matt, i mean i know he likes me and all. It just sucks when you want him, and you are really UNSURE of what HE wants. YES YES i know i shouldnt worry about all this stuff....Its just that i WISH i knew 100 percent what he is thinking. He tells me he doesnt even know, but i mean, i would have NO problem with just being his friend, or fooling around or being with him...Im just UNSURE with the signals he sends me...I mean do you really just wanna be friends with someone when you start playing footsies with them, and being close and stuff. I dont know..i guess its hard to explain because i only know what it is like to talk to him, and be around him, so i have to judge for myself. It just sucks, not knowing...
added 2 min later-FUCK IM SUCH A FUCKING SUCKER...IM going to stop doing this....Maybe Austin is right, maybe he im just letting him take me for this stupid rollar coaster ride. YOU KNOW WHAT, fuck everything..Austin is telling me all this stuff, that i DONT want to believe is true *nothing against you austin* i just want you to be wrong SOOOO BAD. NO GUY is worth worrying over. Im going to stop.in my heart thou, i honestly think he isnt like that. I know, setting myself up to be hurt..but ive tested guys who have LIED to me, and guys who i believe where honestly true. Alex once told me back in the day, since ive been thru so much SHIT with guys, ill be able to tell the difference between the good and the bad.
good night. "thinking..too much" says matts away message. YA JOIN THE CLUB BUDDY!
added 2:08am-so we talked. AND IT MADE IT FUCKING worse. I was trying to tell him what i was thinking..and than HE tryed to tell me, and it just made things MORE confusing, because honestly that kid DOES not know what the hell he is thinking. the conversation ended because he didnt want to confuse me more, and all i can say, id this is GOING TO STOP...honestly, im gonna stop trying to figure him out. I have a bad feeling about things....bad....
 Tawnya
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